-CROCS
For all you foot fetish assholes out there: FUCK YOU. Why can't you fuckers get turned on by normal shit like the rest of us (i.e. unshaved bushes, tattoos, piercings, missing gag reflexes, eyebags, etc)? Since when did making your feet look like retarded swiss cheese become fashionable? Disgusting.....sooooooo gross.
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-BLUETOOTHS
i wanna smack this fucker in his stupid fucking face. Fuck you, you yuppie skinhead. I wanna stab his ear piece with a pencil so that little traces of microchips will end up getting lodged in his ear drum. Imagine having to live the rest of your life with a slight *jolt* in your ear every few seconds. It probably isn't fun. That's what you get for wearing stupid ass shit like this.
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-ZUMIEZ
Shouldn't skateshops employ people who *actually* skate? I don't know, maybe i'm delusional, but it sounds right.
Oh, and please please PLEASE stock other videos BESIDES that fucking overpriced Pharell William's skate video. The dude is a douche (just like the majority of the people that shop at this piece of shat store)
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- HIPSTERS WHO AREN'T THE SLIGHTEST BIT *HIP*
(The reason i couldn't post any pictures of these fucking freaks is because they're SO HIP to the point that they all set their MySpace profiles and photo albums to "private." Fuck you guys. Besides having a forum to **mentally** stroke your own penis, what's the point of having a profile on a social networking site, then? Stupid losers.)
Well anyways . . . they suck. Their futuristic haircuts suck. Their taste in so-called *indie* music sucks. Their ironic t-shirts suck. Their choice of friends suck. Their bangs suck. Their ballsack-choking ridiculously tight pants suck. Their prescriptionless black framed eye glasses suck. Their faux-hawks suck.
And most of all . . . their _________________ sucks.
Don't get me wrong, hipsters are great (i hope to be one, one day) . . . it's the stupid wannabe ones that taint the overall image of those cool cats. I hope they all get anthrax for Christmas.
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-LILY ALLEN IS PREGNANT
...and i'm not the father. Fuck.
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- ASIAN LATCHKEY KIDS
stop wasting all your fucking money on stupid shit like fruits and milk. Trust me. I know from experience. I've drank truckloads of milk over the course of my short life and i have yet to grow an inch higher than a lawn gnome. Start saving all that loose change your parents give you for lunch money, and start buying books or magazines or whatever the hell it is that compells you to sit "Indian style" on the filthy fucking floor of public bookstores. Purchase the shit and GET THE FUCK OUT. I'm walkin' here! ! ! I haven't seen so many bodies scattered all over the place since 'Nam!
On second thought, be my guest . . . sit on the floor as much as you want. Go ahead. In fact, why don't you do us all a favor and make out with the floor. French kiss it. Do it until you contract whatever deadly organism inhabits said floor and puts you in a lifelong coma.
If you want, i'll happily agree to pull the plug when the time comes.
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- THE BLACK GUY AT CENTURY THEATRES WHO ACTUALLY GIVES A FUCK WHEN KIDS HOP BETWEEN AUDITORIUMS
Despite my affinity for movies of all shapes and sizes, i rarely, if ever, venture out of my house to watch a film on the big screen (the way they're meant to be seen). I live a block away from a multiplex and i don't think i've stepped foot in it more than a handful of times. The most obvious reason for my avoidance is the fuckin prices. JESUS CHRIST! 9 fucking bucks for the new Lindsay Lohan masterpiece?!?!?!? She's great...but not THAT GREAT! If SHE isn't worth the money, then NO ONE is worth the money.
Just recently, i have found another reason to avoid that building like the plague: the fucking black dude who walks around the building with a walkie-talkie.
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK THHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAT GUUUUUUUUUUUUY. I used to be able to watch 3 or 4 movies for the price of one admission. I'd make a day out of it: i'd wake up at 9 in the morning, arrive at the theater at 11, and catch as much flicks as i can before closing time. There was an unwritten rule that said doing this was OK. The employees were usually always submissive to this practice....they'd look the other way when you snuck into a movie you didn't have a ticket for.
That's all changed.
Now there's this fucking goof with a Happy Meal badge who fucking follows you and shit. Even worse: he takes the MPAA ratings SERIOUSLY. Who the fuck takes those things seriously? HE DOES! I saw him kick out a bunch of 16 year old kids who had tickets for SUPERBAD (which was rated-R), all because they WEREN'T 17. Dude, what the fuck? They HAD the fucking tickets!!!!!! They paid for them!!!! Who gives a fuck how old they are. Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
C'mon man!!!!!!! Have a heart!!!!!!! I thought black guys were suppose to be cool (cause, you know, they're from the "streets")!
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- JESSICA (ALBA AND SIMPSON)
I will never gain an erection off of either of these girls ever again. I can't. I expect a certain level of intelligence from the people i think about while jerking off. Their skills as thespians suck so bad that whatever chance i had at attaining a boner off of them is quickly shattered.
Jessica Alba's little role in David Wain's "THE TEN" was HORRRRRRRIBLE.
And Jessica Simpson's role in.......well........everything.......sucked bad, too.
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-PEOPLE (in general)
Society is shit. There are only a handful of people in this world that i can truly willingly tolerate being in the same room with for more than 30 seconds.
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my biggest hope for 2008 is that none of these things will exist beyond a faded memory in the new year.
The next time i see a person walking around in CROC's while talking into their fucking BLUETOOTH headsets, i swear to GOD i'm gonna come up from behind them, shove a potato sack over their head, and suffocate the fuck out of them.
Better watch your back.
